


I Never Knew

by lookingforatardis



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Filming, Love, M/M, i truly truly have no idea what to tag this as, what is love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 05:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16056299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookingforatardis/pseuds/lookingforatardis
Summary: While filming CMBYN and getting into Elio's character, Timmy realizes he might not actually have ever been in love-- at least, not like Elio is with Oliver. Seeking answers to inform his acting, he goes to none other than Armie.





	I Never Knew

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dreamofhorses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamofhorses/gifts).



> sometimes i randomly text dreamofhorses with "a concept" followed by story ideas and sometimes she talks to me until i have a fully formulated fic and can't stop writing. thanks pal
> 
> (also this is unedited because despite giving it to people to read i somehow can't be bothered to correct things oh well)

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Dinner had ended a few hours ago, Timmy lingering at Armie and Elizabeth's place in part to avoid biking back to his own, in part because he'd been bothered by something for a few days now and needed advice. "I think… Okay don't judge me. But I think I just realized that I've never been in love? Not like Elio certainly. And I …I thought I had but this just feels very different and complex and if I'm honest I'm not sure which was fake? My experience or Elio's? Does that love in the book really… exist?" Armie, who had been scrolling on his phone, looks up with wide eyes and tries to process everything he's just been told. He breaks it down into pieces in his mind and breathes deeply. Timmy had a habit of blindsiding him with elaborate, deeply insightful, mature questions when he least expected it.

"I mean, well certainly it must, right? You found that so logically it exists and I've just never felt it?" Armie smiles faintly, head leaning slightly towards the sound of Elizabeth in the other room.

"You're young," Armie offers, hand obscuring half of his face.

"You knew her when you were my age," Timmy shakes his head. "Explain it."

"Explain-- love?" Armie asks incredulously. "Your parents are--"

"I can't ask them, they'll just get weird and talk about how much they love Pauline and I." Armie huffs a laugh and nods. "Armie,  _ please _ ," Timmy sings out, scooting closer and resting his hands on Armie's shoulders. His hands slide down to shake his biceps, causing Armie's hand to drop from his face and expose a smirk. "I can only act if it I understand it."

"You can't…" Armie sighs and rolls his eyes, readjusts. He looks at Timmy and bites his lip. "You can't understand it without feeling it," Armie says softly. Timmy processes for a moment before nodding and sitting up a little straighter with a hand through his hair.

"Can you try? With the stipulation that I won't fully understand-- certainly you can at least try." Elizabeth steps through the room and smiles at them as she toys with Armie's hair then Timmy's, tells them she's going out but Harper is already asleep. They watch her leave silently and Armie sighs.

"It's like…I don't know, man. I don't--"

"Okay, how about this. What was it like when you knew?" Timmy asks. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees. He looks focused, his eyes sharp on Armie as he breathes evenly. Armie pushes a strand of hair off his forehead for him and leans back. He thinks back and tries to zero in on the moment he felt he'd fallen in love with her, how he warred with himself over it before telling her. He remembers it as if it wasn't his own experience, as if it was being drowned out by time and experience, not necessarily in a bad way, but not necessarily in a good way either.

"I'm not really sure," Armie shrugs. "It's like you just  _ know _ , I guess. I looked at her and just, I don't know. I just knew I was in love with her."

"Okay, that does  _ not  _ help me," Timmy complains.

"I told you--"

"Come  _ on _ . Please just try. You're not trying," Timmy says, his hands twisting in on themselves.

"I'm not like you, I'm not good with words," Armie shakes his head.

"I'm not either!" Timmy stands to sit closer to Armie and presses his hand against Armie's shoulder to get his attention. "Show me then."

" _ Excuse me _ ?" Armie stares at him with wide eyes, his entire body shifting as he folds his hands, an exasperated (albeit slightly amused) look on his face.

"You said you looked and just knew. You're a good actor and right now you're all I've got, so. Please. Pretend I'm her or something because I don't know what I'm doing here."

"This is the worst acting class ever," Armie teases but shakes his head in surrender. He knew the moment Timmy brought the topic up, he'd end up revealing too much anyway. He'd accepted he'd end up being vulnerable with Timmy long ago, and every day he challenged his coping mechanisms was another day Armie went to bed emotionally drained. Still, he doesn't hold back when he knows it's important. "If we're going to do this, I make the rules, okay?" Timmy nods. "Okay, let's start with this-- look at me like you think Elio would look at Oliver." Timmy nods again and shifts so he's facing Armie more comfortably, Armie moving as well. He watches as Timmy closes his eyes and stares at his hands for a moment before meeting his eyes, a switch flipping. "What are you thinking about?" Armie whispers, taking in the expression of affection he's being given freely.

"Mystery of Love," Timmy responds. Armie fights a smile and nods as he moves his hand to cover Timmy's knee.

"Okay, good. You know the line about my birthmark?" Timmy nods and blushes. "Remember what you told me when we heard it?"

Timmy sighs and shifts his focus, his hands moving to rub against his legs, one pressing further down to linger over Armie's fingers. "I asked why he put it in there and Luca told me to figure it out myself."

"You ever figure out the answer to that?" Timmy shrugs and mumbles a  _ not really _ . "Not really or no?" Armie pushes, following a hunch.

"It's stupid." Armie turns his hand over so their fingers intertwine.

"Look at me," he says, waiting for Timmy to follow. "It's not stupid."

"I guess…" Armie nods to encourage him. "It's this tiny detail that no one but Elio--"

" _ Exactly, _ " Armie says, poking Timmy's chest with his finger.

"Exactly  _ what _ ?" Timmy asks, eyes wide as he pulls back.

"It's a detail. Details are important, okay? Look at me--"

"I  _ am _ \--"

"No, look at me closer. Trust me. If you want to look like you're in love with someone you're going to notice the details." Armie shifts and takes a deep breath. "When you love someone, you notice the little things about them, things no one else cares to pay attention to," he explains, his voice softer as Timmy meets his gaze.

"Like your birthmark," Timmy whispers. "Like the swimsuits," he adds, a small smile on his lips that Armie mirrors. "Okay… what else?"

"Oh, have me memorized already?" Armie laughs, his hand lifting to scratch at his neck.

"No, but I can multitask," Timmy smirks. Armie huffs and leans back, his eyes breaking from Timmy's. "Come on, what else? Noticing Elizabeth's freckles couldn't possibly have been the only indication that you were in love with her." Armie shakes his head and tugs at a frayed strand of his shorts. He gets lost in thought and when he resurfaces, Timmy is watching him carefully.

"I just wanted to be near her," Armie shrugs. "I didn't want to be apart from her and when I was I was thinking about what it would take to get back to her." Timmy swallows and nods slowly.

"Like how she followed you here?"

Armie's heart clenches as he bites his lip. "I guess so." They sit quietly for a moment while Timmy thinks through the information.

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way," Timmy starts. "But… I feel like I need more? I'm sorry I just… I feel like I am this way with some people and I don't consider myself in love with them so like… I need something else I don't know. I'm not saying that you're not completely taken away by her because certainly you love her but when I get into Elio's head I feel like there's a missing piece and I feel disconnected and inadequate to portray it when I look at you."

Armie stares at him and feels his neck turning red slowly as he tries to find a way to express that he's not sure what love is anymore either.

"Sorry, I'm rambling," Timmy mutters, shaking his hair. Armie reaches out to stop the movement with his hand, his thumb tracing along Timmy's cheekbone when he settles. "How do you do it? Pretend to be in love with someone?" Timmy asks, voice faint but sincere and confused.

"I find something I love about them and focus on it," Armie says, surprising himself at the honesty. He can feel it happening before it does, the vulnerability word vomit that happens sometimes with Timmy when they're left alone. "You have this twitch when you're thinking about something funny and you're trying not to smile." His heart starts racing, but Timmy leans against his touch and he can't stop himself. He can see the look in Timmy's eyes verging on love and knows if he pushes it a little more, just a little, he'll get Timmy to the point he needs to be for the film. So much of their lives off set was in service of their characters that this feels natural, too. "Sometimes when you're explaining something you inadvertently explain a dozen things I was curious about but didn't know to ask. You have this way of responding to me where you just, I don't know how to even explain it. You do it with Luca, too. You sense what we're saying is important and everything in your demeanor shifts so you can hear us with your whole heart or something. It's amazing. The way you switch acting on when we start a take is amazing." Armie bites his lip to stop from rambling himself.

"Oh," Timmy breathes. "But I'm not Elio," he says, his eyes worried. "Is that okay? To think about me?"

"I don't know," Armie shrugs, his face warm. "It helps though. Focus on the chemistry, on the things we connect on. It'll help you feel like it's not fake," Armie explains. "When it feels fake, it's going to look fake."

"So I can…" Timmy looks down at their legs. "I can think about you? That's okay?" He glances up under his lashes tentatively.

"If you're comfortable with that."

"Okay… can we try again?" Timmy asks, shifting in his seat. Armie watches, confused for a moment before realizing he means try looking at each other, the first exercise he gave him.

"Yeah, sure," Armie says, rolling his shoulders once before smiling softly at Timmy. "Go," he adds, feeling a bit awkward suddenly. Timmy looks at him like he usually does for a moment before it shifts.

Armie's breath catches the moment he sees it, the slight upturn of Timmy's lips, the tenderness in his expression, the almost amused fondness leaving him as his eyes wander Armie's face, neck, back to his eyes. "I still feel off," Timmy breathes. "Can I--" he reaches out and brushes Armie's hair back, his fingers lingering when Armie's eyes slip shut out of reflex. Timmy hums and trails his fingers down Armie's cheek before resting them at his shoulder, Armie's eyes opening once more. Timmy bites his lip and shrugs slightly as if he ask if he's doing it.

"Better?" Armie asks, his voice foreign.

"I think so," Timmy nods. "I still don't know for sure but… it feels a little better?"

"Yeah," Armie agrees. He tries to look away but finds he's incapable. "I feel it," he says. "It looks, I mean, it feels more accurate. For me. Now."

"Good," Timmy nods, blinking a few times quickly, his hand dropping from Armie though his eyes stay trained on him.

"It's about tension, too." Armie swallows and feels his chest rising too often. "For Elio, I mean. And Oliver. For Oliver it's the tension that comes with loving Elio, knowing it's not forever, knowing it's going to expire."

"So longing, then? Fear of losing it?" Timmy follows his line of thought perfectly. "Okay, I can do that."

"When you love someone but things are up in the air, the anxiety of it being taken away is always there," Armie tells him. "You want to hold onto that person for as long as you can and the way they make you feel." Timmy's breath visibly catches and he nods quickly. "Losing them, it's like losing a piece of yourself. Just the thought of it ending makes it hard to sleep." Armie isn't quite certain who or what he's talking about anymore, so he stays quiet and tries not to think about why he can't stop staring into Timmy's eyes. He watches them water just barely and wonders if Timmy will cry, wonders if he wants him to be overwhelmed. "You can love someone and not be in love with them," Armie says softly, almost to himself. Almost to tell them both that it's alright to love one another as long as they're not  _ in love _ with one another. Almost to justify the way his heart is clenching like a fist the more time that passes.

"I love you," Timmy says nonchalantly, a careful hand reaching out towards Armie's who takes it with ease.

"I love you," Armie nods. He's not prepared to question anything about himself in the moment; accepting and voicing this feels like enough.

"You laugh with your entire body," Timmy says. "I like that." Armie's smile blooms instantly, his cheeks reddening as his hand lifts to cover it. "You hide it when you blush," Timmy smiles, reaching over to cover his hand with his own.

"Okay, are you going to make a list? Should I get some coffee?"

"You're so humble," Timmy teases.

"Hey now," Armie complains, but smirks, grateful for some tension being lifted from the moment. They settle in their smiles and Timmy nods a little as if to acknowledge that he understands this will be a conversation they will not speak of later.

"Elizabeth is really lucky," Timmy says with a small smile and his eyes cast downward. Armie's face scrunches up as he thinks over the implications of the statement. He can't find a response and instead of using words, simply reaches for Timmy and pulls him to his chest for a hug, his lips against his hair.


End file.
